So, I've figured out that parenting tests you to the core of your being. (All of the seasoned parents out there are laughing because it's something they already found out how ever many years ago.) It's not a bad kind of testing, it's just a constant, every moment of every day test to see if you can be the best you that you can be. I have to admit that sometimes, I'm not up for the challenge.
Right now, I really believe in postpartum depression. (Not that I didn't before). I believe that it's not just a hormonal thing even though that can have a lot to do with things. It's and everything thing. I teach a childbirth education class and I always say that the last stage of birthing is called transformation because you are transforming mentally and physically into a family. A new kind of family. You've been parents for 9 months and now, at that moment, your family changes or transforms into a brand new, wonderful, amazing, overwhelming and unpredictable family. With that 1 single act, in that lone moment, so much changes. I'll tell my story now in the hopes that someone else can relate and not feel like I do a this moment.
Today is February 19, 2010. I have 2 amazing children. Jaiden is 3.5 and Lilli is almost 4 months. Jaiden loves firetrucks and books. He has an amazing way of looking at the world that always teaches me something, usually just to stop and enjoy the moment. Lilly is still new so her personality is just coming out. She loves to watch people and she LOVES attention. I feel like both of my kids were meant for me. We click in a way that I know we have been together before. When I was trying to get pregnant with Jaiden, it took a long time; 2.5 years to be exact. When he was born, my labor was also very long (about 36 hours.) Looking back now, it feels like everything with Jaiden has been slow and gradual. Sometimes this gradual was good, like learning to talk and sometimes it was a bit more challenging like when he was learning to sleep through the night. Before we got pregnant with Lilli, we knew that she was going to be completely different and it took me a while but I finally got to the point where I knew she would be equally wonderful and still completely different. Well, she is. I got pregnant with her on the first try and she was born in under 3 hours. She is already rolling over and she just wants to go.
I tell you all of this because I think with Jaiden, I had the chance to adjust to the "transformation". We were trying so hard to conceive him and I was so ready when it finally happened. During his birth, I really had time to adjust to becoming a mom. With Lilli this time around, I feel like I'm playing catch up. Not only am I adjusting to being a mom of 2, I'm also adjusting to not working because we decided that's what would work for our family. I love being home with my kids. I've had the chance to re- get to know my son and the wonderful person that he is. I'm also getting to know this beautiful little girl too. I can honestly say that it's the hardest think I've ever done. It's not hard in a physically way because changing diapers and cleaning the dishes are not hard tasks. It's hard in a mental/ emotional way. You 'job' is never done and there is never that sense of completion. When you change a diaper you can't check it off your list because in a few hours, there will be another one, and in a few more hours, there will be another one after that. Preschoolers are very wonderful in that they KNOW what they want and what they don't want. At least half of the time, what they don't want directly conflicts with what you do want or what needs to happen like going groceries shopping or taking a bath. On good day, these are opportunities for me to be creative. What fun ways can I come up with to get him in the tub today? Is it food coloring or light up ice cubes, or maybe just a "fire in the tub" where we have to get the "fire hose" out. On the not so good days, he wins. On the really bad day, I win and we are all crying.
All I really want to do is be a great mom and I'm beginning to re-realize that even with 2 kids, I still need me time. I still need to feed my soul. Even though I'm not making the money to support my family, I still need to feel valued. We are still very much in the transition period. (Right now, both kids have runny noses which is rare for us and I can't help but think that it's from me not being happy.) My partner and I are still trying to figure out what our roles are and how we can still be Anna, Stephanie and Us.
A while ago I posted on facebook that I'm trying to find my path and a friend responded that it was to the playground so my goal for today, go to the playground.
