Me? Church???

So today is Sunday and usually it would just be another day for me. The day after Saturday and the day before Monday. Today was a little different though; i went to church. Now before you go off thinking I "found Jeeesussss", this was a different kind of church. (And now I bet you're thinking I joined a cult.) This morning we went to the Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta.

So, just for a bit of background, I was raised with church, sometimes. I would go to a Presbyterian church when I was with my dad but never when I was with my mom. We would have to get up early on 1 of the 2 days we were supposed to be able to sleep in. We were required to shower, dress and make our beds. Then we would drive to what felt like a different church ever week just to be told what to think and that if we didn't "behave" we were going to hell. At the tender age of about 10, it felt like stand up, sit down, stand up, sing a song, sit down, listen to a really long boring speech and stuff that happened super long ago, stand up, sit down, sing a song, ect, ect.. Needless to say, my memories of church were not really ones I wanted to repeat as an adult.

As I got older, I came to believe that organized religion was (and I believe still is) just a way of controlling the masses. All too many wars and murders have been in the name of a supposed "all loving" man. It just didn't make sense nor did it resonate with me. No big deal. I just went about my life without church or religion (gasp!) and I was happy (double gasp!).

Somewhere along the way I found the Law of Attraction way of thinking. This did resonate with me and still does. It appealed to my science geek side with the "everything is energy and like attracts like", it appealed to my non-conformist side with the "you control your own thoughts, feelings and destiny", and it just made sense. It put words to a belief system I had developed when I was a teenager.
Over the past 10 years I've been studying (for lack of a better word) and practicing loa. So where does church fit into all of this? Enter here the Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta. Anna had gone a few times but honestly, I was very turned off by the word church and all of its similarities to those distant memories. She reassured me its not all about God and there is no hell but she never pushed. This weekend was the SLCA's first service in their new building (which is much closer to us). It wasn't just the change in venue that brought me to their doors but more of a conspiracy.

So as I say there today, in the back of the overflow room, I started crying as I listened to David Alt talk about how this (church) was a "home of heart" and how anything is possible. How sometimes you have to let go of something (like comfort or a belief system) to find all of the cool thing that are waiting for you. The only limitations we have are the ones we place on ourselves. It's like a person asking for money but won't take what is offered because they would have to let go of the money that is already in their hands.

I've always loved that message and it was particularly sensitive to me today because of the week I've had. I have been putting impossible limitations and expectations on myself and in effect, creating my own hell. (Part of my believe is there is no hell. The closest we as humans will ever come to that is life on earth with the belief that we are helpless and just a product of circumstance and external factors.) well, I was there. You name it and I was thinking it. I knew I should change my thinking but I didn't.

I'm not saying the church healed everything but it helped me shift. Instead of rowing my boat upstream, I just let go of the ores and let the current of well-being guide my boat to a better feeling place. There is still the same amount of stuff to do and I am so blessed to know what the next steps will be.

In love and light,

The beach

There is something about the beach that just calls to me, innocently and seductively all at the same time. It whispers my name quietly saying, "come. Be with me. Here." It caresses my toes with its feathery white sand. It washes away all of the old and used up leaving me with an exhilarating feeling of newness. It cradles me in its frothy waves with a loving and firm hand that only a mother can provide.
I wonder if I lived here, if I could live forever but I guess that will have to wait for another day because right now, I am here.

Just when...

Just when I think I'm done,
Just when I think I will fall over the edge,
Just when I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a big black hole,
Just when...
She picks me back up,
He gives me a hug without a question,
I see the other side.

These past few days have been such a roller coaster for me (can you tell?) I can't really say why. I know I've been supper stressed about money though this is not usually enough to tip the scales. The past few days I found myself just crying just to cry because it just felt better to let it out rather than hold it in any more. Im not sure if it was a cry if despair or relief but it had to come out. My children love me and they just don't ask why I'm crying. Maybe because they know it's no big deal, maybe because they know it will pass or maybe because they are used to it... Who knows? But it is easy to have things pulled together for an hour or two at night when she is home.
So what changed today? I did something. I did something productive that was not all about my kids or my business or the money that I don't have right now. In the big picture, one little website and Facebook page don't really make that much of a difference but to me, even if just for today, I did something. Something productive that I can put my name on and look at at the end of the day and say "I did that." I figured it out! I am worth something!
So just when I thought I would fall in and never get out, I found the edge (even if by accident) and crawled out of that darkness.
Tomorrow will be better, it always is.