Me? Church???

So today is Sunday and usually it would just be another day for me. The day after Saturday and the day before Monday. Today was a little different though; i went to church. Now before you go off thinking I "found Jeeesussss", this was a different kind of church. (And now I bet you're thinking I joined a cult.) This morning we went to the Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta.

So, just for a bit of background, I was raised with church, sometimes. I would go to a Presbyterian church when I was with my dad but never when I was with my mom. We would have to get up early on 1 of the 2 days we were supposed to be able to sleep in. We were required to shower, dress and make our beds. Then we would drive to what felt like a different church ever week just to be told what to think and that if we didn't "behave" we were going to hell. At the tender age of about 10, it felt like stand up, sit down, stand up, sing a song, sit down, listen to a really long boring speech and stuff that happened super long ago, stand up, sit down, sing a song, ect, ect.. Needless to say, my memories of church were not really ones I wanted to repeat as an adult.

As I got older, I came to believe that organized religion was (and I believe still is) just a way of controlling the masses. All too many wars and murders have been in the name of a supposed "all loving" man. It just didn't make sense nor did it resonate with me. No big deal. I just went about my life without church or religion (gasp!) and I was happy (double gasp!).

Somewhere along the way I found the Law of Attraction way of thinking. This did resonate with me and still does. It appealed to my science geek side with the "everything is energy and like attracts like", it appealed to my non-conformist side with the "you control your own thoughts, feelings and destiny", and it just made sense. It put words to a belief system I had developed when I was a teenager.
Over the past 10 years I've been studying (for lack of a better word) and practicing loa. So where does church fit into all of this? Enter here the Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta. Anna had gone a few times but honestly, I was very turned off by the word church and all of its similarities to those distant memories. She reassured me its not all about God and there is no hell but she never pushed. This weekend was the SLCA's first service in their new building (which is much closer to us). It wasn't just the change in venue that brought me to their doors but more of a conspiracy.

So as I say there today, in the back of the overflow room, I started crying as I listened to David Alt talk about how this (church) was a "home of heart" and how anything is possible. How sometimes you have to let go of something (like comfort or a belief system) to find all of the cool thing that are waiting for you. The only limitations we have are the ones we place on ourselves. It's like a person asking for money but won't take what is offered because they would have to let go of the money that is already in their hands.

I've always loved that message and it was particularly sensitive to me today because of the week I've had. I have been putting impossible limitations and expectations on myself and in effect, creating my own hell. (Part of my believe is there is no hell. The closest we as humans will ever come to that is life on earth with the belief that we are helpless and just a product of circumstance and external factors.) well, I was there. You name it and I was thinking it. I knew I should change my thinking but I didn't.

I'm not saying the church healed everything but it helped me shift. Instead of rowing my boat upstream, I just let go of the ores and let the current of well-being guide my boat to a better feeling place. There is still the same amount of stuff to do and I am so blessed to know what the next steps will be.

In love and light,

The beach

There is something about the beach that just calls to me, innocently and seductively all at the same time. It whispers my name quietly saying, "come. Be with me. Here." It caresses my toes with its feathery white sand. It washes away all of the old and used up leaving me with an exhilarating feeling of newness. It cradles me in its frothy waves with a loving and firm hand that only a mother can provide.
I wonder if I lived here, if I could live forever but I guess that will have to wait for another day because right now, I am here.

Just when...

Just when I think I'm done,
Just when I think I will fall over the edge,
Just when I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a big black hole,
Just when...
She picks me back up,
He gives me a hug without a question,
I see the other side.

These past few days have been such a roller coaster for me (can you tell?) I can't really say why. I know I've been supper stressed about money though this is not usually enough to tip the scales. The past few days I found myself just crying just to cry because it just felt better to let it out rather than hold it in any more. Im not sure if it was a cry if despair or relief but it had to come out. My children love me and they just don't ask why I'm crying. Maybe because they know it's no big deal, maybe because they know it will pass or maybe because they are used to it... Who knows? But it is easy to have things pulled together for an hour or two at night when she is home.
So what changed today? I did something. I did something productive that was not all about my kids or my business or the money that I don't have right now. In the big picture, one little website and Facebook page don't really make that much of a difference but to me, even if just for today, I did something. Something productive that I can put my name on and look at at the end of the day and say "I did that." I figured it out! I am worth something!
So just when I thought I would fall in and never get out, I found the edge (even if by accident) and crawled out of that darkness.
Tomorrow will be better, it always is.

Moonpie in the Sky!

So today was a WEIRD day. There was a lot good and a lot not-so-good. Clarity through contrast right? Well, it started out when I woke up. A and dad were having a nice conversation and I joined in. :) Then we wend to aunt Joyce's house to see the bitties. :) On the way over I just wanted to hold a's hand but she was not so inclined. :( I love me some chickens and especially baby chickens but she had already fed then so I only got so see them from afar... Came back to dad's and we had a nice breakfast :) then . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nothing... Anna fell asleep and dad started working on his computer :( so I got the kids ready to go and we went to the mall. It was busy because of the tax free weekend but we had a good time. ) The kids got new shoes and I got some new shorts which were both very much needed. :) We came home and had a great dinner :) then I felt very rushed :( to get out of the house again to go to the jazz festival. We thought it was going to be at a park so the kids could play :) and we could listen to music but when we got there, they had moved it to another place which turned out to be more like a club which was definitely NOT good for the kids. :( A and I loaded the kids back up and went in search of a park. We found one on the water and right as we got there, a huge boat was pulling out escorted but 2 tug boats. :) J was in heaven. It was hot but nothing too bad. After that we headed home. As we were walking back to the car I looked up and at the top of a big building I saw the "moonpie" sign. I assumed that it was their headquarters. Fro some reason it just made my day. I kept laughing in my head about "where's the RC plant?" "only in mobile". On the way home I decided I needed some ice cream because so we stopped. When we got home, the kids and I sat outside and ate ice cream and they rode their bikes. :) A when inside to??? :( After that, l was exhausted so she went to bed. :) We are supposed to have a radio show tonight but a has already mentioned canceling it so we shall see...

So today was a WEIRD day.

Not really sure what to do with it so the lesson that I re-learned today was "make your own happiness." If you want something, you gotta make it happen yourself. I don't like to say you can't rely on other people but why should you have too. Look in the direction that feels good to you because that is all you know, what feels good to you.

thanks for listening (/reading ;) )

steph

My Dear Sweet Puppy...

So today, my dear sweet puppy passed on. Well, he croaked. He lived with our family for about 8 years and he was the best dog ever. He came into our family quietly in that we were not looking for a dog and we didn't really want one either. A friend of ours found him and couldn't keep him. They said they were going to take him to the pound the next morning so we decided to take him home. He was a scrappy little thing with mange and he just looked scrappy... We decided to fix him up so we got him "fixed", treated his mange, and got his shots all while continuing to look for a good home. Well, by the time he started looking like a decent dog, we were hooked.

He fit so well with me and anna and he helped us through SO much. He saw us through an almost breakup, anna's mom dying and her following 2 year depression, the addition of our 2 wonderful children and several other furry friends passing. Anna loved his "goo-goo" eyes and Jaiden loved how he would chase a stick. I loved how he was just such a "go with the flow" kind of dog. He was just so laid back. He was just an easy dog to love.

Now that he's gone, I feel like I didn't appreciate him enough. I just took it for granted that he was going to be there. Sometimes I would even get mad at him when he wouldn't listen or he tried to get into the car when we couldn't take him. Now that he's gone, I can't help but saying, "I should have love him more." I know that he had a great life and the animals have a different view of death. I also know he is still around and will always be. Our home will be a lot quieter (if that is possible with 2 little kids) and I will probably still look for him everywhere but at the end of the day, there will still be another one tomorrow. Today my heart is sad and hopefully, tomorrow will be a little less sad until the day we are ready to welcome another furry friend into our home.

Good bye sweet boy. You have forever touched my life.

Ugh...

So I think this blog is more about me venting but here I go again. I'm usually VERY good at staying positive but I think that is also in part because I can acknowledge the negative then move on. This post is my attempt at acknowledging the negative, learning from it then... moving on. I really need to be working (which is one source for my dismay) but I really need to get this out too.

There seems to be SO MUCH bad going on right now. L is teething so she has been grumpy and crying and not sleeping for 4 days. I get so frustrated when I can't help her. It seems like I can't do anything to help her feel better. J is awesome and he has also started lying and being very demanding. I know that I can effect this but I'm just not sure how yet. I've been listening to "Nonviolent Communication" and I feel like there is an answer in there somewhere. Now, A. She is going through a major change which I totally support, really. And I'm getting worried about our finances. We just found out today that the business is getting audited. UGH! I really don't think it will be too bad but still. Then she comes home 30 mins late on my night. I know that sounds silly but Monday nights I am supposed to have class. It's a standing thing just about. Since I don't have a class which is another story, I decided to take the time (this time) to "work" on my business. Advertise the class, return emails, make connections, ect... And she was late. I had a meeting tonight that I told her about and still... My need for respect is not being met. I know that she is going through a lot and I am doing everything I can to support her and our family which also means I need some time for myself; away from her and the kids. So. The other part of that is I really want to help her through this. I want to sit down with her and talk it out which usually helps both of us but tonight, I just needed some space away from all of the stuff. Now, onto me. I'm frustrated and scared that I didn’t have anyone sign up for this series. I have 3 students for 2 future classes which is good so what can I do to get more students. I also don't have a doula client right now (except the one that is due in June) and I would really like 1per month. It would help with my skills (more practice), my connections, and my money situation which would all help my confidence level. I would almost rather have the doula clients right now and I do love teaching too. I also have the opportunity to teach at another location but I'm not sure where to go with it so for now, I'm going to continue down both roads to see where they lead. I know the obvious choice will show up very quickly. Ok, I feel better. I was recently talking to my mom about my eating. I realized that I eat because I really enjoy food. So I was looking to see where in my life I need more enjoyment that I'm not getting and overall, I am very happy with my live. Everyone has stuff that want better but who am I to complain (if you don't count the occasional ranting above :) ). Well, she brought up that eating is sometimes a control issue and ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!! I feel like I don’t have any control over my kids, my wife, my clients, my money. I just do the best with what comes at me. So, I eat. My new resolve it to channel that into me time. I'm going to eat what I really do enjoy including more fruit, and walk more. My motto lately has been "there just aren’t enough hours in the day" but I think I just need to be inspired to do it and look for creative solutions. Drop the things that don't feel good and do more of the things that do feel good. Does that mean I'm living in denial? O’well, Egypt is usually not a bad place to live.

Co-Sleeping at its Best!!!

For a while, I've been doing my best to get into a bedtime routine and put the kids to bed at a reasonable time so that I might have a few moments of adult time. It's been very working well and Anna and I have both been enjoying our evening time. Tonight I wanted to move to the next step and get Lilli used to sleeping on her own. I don't think he is ready to move to the other room and the pack-and-play is too small so, just like her brother, she now has her own pallet. When I was laying with Lilli, Jaiden came over and asked if he could lay with us. After about 15 minuets, I got up and this is what I saw.


I'm not sure how long it will last but it was way too cute to pass up the picture...
In love and light,
Steph, Anna, Jaiden and Lilli

randomness

some of the randomness that is running through my head this morning:

-mosquito bite remedies

-fishing knots

-class tonight

-cloth diapers

-ashville, NC

-puppy pictures

-cleaning velcro

I want to remember this!!!

I am feeling the need to write this down so on the 'not so good days' I can look back and say for certain that yes! It really does get better and yes! I have been there before and I will be back soon. So what is this all about? Well, spring in finally springing and I love spring. Business is getting better. (just one at the moment but I have faith that the other will be soon to follow. With spring comes my list of things to do which usually isn't a good thing but, I have the time and money to do them. I'm excited about the projects Jaiden and I can do together and what we will learn from each other in the process which brings me to my next !!! My kids ROCK and I love the way we are raising them! There is nothing like seeing how other people parent to remind you of how good you are. (and that's all I'll say about that.) next on my !!! list is that I finally blocked the people on facebook that I don't like. Every time I read a post I would get angry at them or me so... I blocked them. I want positive people and feelings in my life and if you don't fit into that category, I'll block you too. :) I love me too much and it's taken me a long time to get to that point.
So to summarize, I rock, my girl is amazing, my kids are beyond words, my family loves and supports me and in anna's words, life just keeps getting better and better and I can't wait to see what comes next!!!

Postpartum

So, I've figured out that parenting tests you to the core of your being. (All of the seasoned parents out there are laughing because it's something they already found out how ever many years ago.) It's not a bad kind of testing, it's just a constant, every moment of every day test to see if you can be the best you that you can be. I have to admit that sometimes, I'm not up for the challenge.
Right now, I really believe in postpartum depression. (Not that I didn't before). I believe that it's not just a hormonal thing even though that can have a lot to do with things. It's and everything thing. I teach a childbirth education class and I always say that the last stage of birthing is called transformation because you are transforming mentally and physically into a family. A new kind of family. You've been parents for 9 months and now, at that moment, your family changes or transforms into a brand new, wonderful, amazing, overwhelming and unpredictable family. With that 1 single act, in that lone moment, so much changes. I'll tell my story now in the hopes that someone else can relate and not feel like I do a this moment.
Today is February 19, 2010. I have 2 amazing children. Jaiden is 3.5 and Lilli is almost 4 months. Jaiden loves firetrucks and books. He has an amazing way of looking at the world that always teaches me something, usually just to stop and enjoy the moment. Lilly is still new so her personality is just coming out. She loves to watch people and she LOVES attention. I feel like both of my kids were meant for me. We click in a way that I know we have been together before. When I was trying to get pregnant with Jaiden, it took a long time; 2.5 years to be exact. When he was born, my labor was also very long (about 36 hours.) Looking back now, it feels like everything with Jaiden has been slow and gradual. Sometimes this gradual was good, like learning to talk and sometimes it was a bit more challenging like when he was learning to sleep through the night. Before we got pregnant with Lilli, we knew that she was going to be completely different and it took me a while but I finally got to the point where I knew she would be equally wonderful and still completely different. Well, she is. I got pregnant with her on the first try and she was born in under 3 hours. She is already rolling over and she just wants to go.
I tell you all of this because I think with Jaiden, I had the chance to adjust to the "transformation". We were trying so hard to conceive him and I was so ready when it finally happened. During his birth, I really had time to adjust to becoming a mom. With Lilli this time around, I feel like I'm playing catch up. Not only am I adjusting to being a mom of 2, I'm also adjusting to not working because we decided that's what would work for our family. I love being home with my kids. I've had the chance to re- get to know my son and the wonderful person that he is. I'm also getting to know this beautiful little girl too. I can honestly say that it's the hardest think I've ever done. It's not hard in a physically way because changing diapers and cleaning the dishes are not hard tasks. It's hard in a mental/ emotional way. You 'job' is never done and there is never that sense of completion. When you change a diaper you can't check it off your list because in a few hours, there will be another one, and in a few more hours, there will be another one after that. Preschoolers are very wonderful in that they KNOW what they want and what they don't want. At least half of the time, what they don't want directly conflicts with what you do want or what needs to happen like going groceries shopping or taking a bath. On good day, these are opportunities for me to be creative. What fun ways can I come up with to get him in the tub today? Is it food coloring or light up ice cubes, or maybe just a "fire in the tub" where we have to get the "fire hose" out. On the not so good days, he wins. On the really bad day, I win and we are all crying.
All I really want to do is be a great mom and I'm beginning to re-realize that even with 2 kids, I still need me time. I still need to feed my soul. Even though I'm not making the money to support my family, I still need to feel valued. We are still very much in the transition period. (Right now, both kids have runny noses which is rare for us and I can't help but think that it's from me not being happy.) My partner and I are still trying to figure out what our roles are and how we can still be Anna, Stephanie and Us.
A while ago I posted on facebook that I'm trying to find my path and a friend responded that it was to the playground so my goal for today, go to the playground.

The good and the contrast

So, if you can't tell, I'm using this as my personal diary for a while. Today was a day filled with good and contrast. I meet with another chiropractor who wants to refer her clients to me for my classes. We talked for about 2 hours and we have a lot of the same beliefs. I may even be doing some classes at her office in the future. Also, the other chiropractor she works with is gay. I'm not sure why but I feel like this could lead me more into the gay community so we'll just have to see where things go. After that appt, I went to my current chiro to get adjusted. http://www.lotusoflifechiropractic.com/ They are wonderful and all 3 of us got adjusted. I was hoping to start teaching there in January but it looks like if that's a possibility, it won't be until February. Again, we'll just have to see how things go.
The contrast of the day comes on the personal side. I think I'm still dealing with not "working" at the shop everyday. First because it feels like I never see A and second because I feel left out. That seems to be a theme in my life so I'll have to explore it further. We had a date last night. She said 6 and got home at 7 then when I asked if she still wanted to go out, she said "I guess". We ended up having a nice dinner and lilli took a bottle for the first time while we were out.
My success of the week is my new site at www.atlantanaturalbirth.com Check it out when you have a chance...
TTFN

day 2

So yesterday was just a weird day... D ended up with a colic crying bout for 1.5 hours. She slept good last night but not me. The exciting news for today, she smiled at ME for te first time. She has been smiling at A for a weekd or so but finally at me!!! She weighs 12.5 lbs today and the midwife said we both look great. Had lunch with a friend which was really good. Long story but we haven't spoken in a while. All better now though...
In my incesent research, I found some really good info on colic on Dr Sears site: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051300.asp
Turns out, we were doing everything right. The one new thing I learned is that baby wearing for 3 hours a day can reayy help. I already wear her when we go out but I'll have to do it more at home. We'll keep you posted and talk to the ped if it happens again...
For tonight, SHSHI... :) http://atlanta.citysearch.com/profile/2893740/lawrenceville_ga/kinyobee_japanese_restaurant.html

TTFN

ps - I don't like the cold...

Another New Adventure.

So here I am; just me.

I'm starting a new part of my life and instead of putting this on our family blog, I thought I need one of my own (since this is all about me.) :) I'm not doing this for anyone else but just for me as a way of getting things down and chronicling my life. When I write, I get a better sense of where I am and therefore, where I want to go. It helps me find direction. The second reason for this blog is maybe, just maybe, it may help someone else out. There is no subject that will be off limits. As of lately, my time is being consumed by holiday stuff and homeschooling research. I'll try to post anything that I've found helpful so again, maybe it will help someone else.



So there is my introduction now on to my day...



As I write, my daughter is asleep in her swing(because she kept my up most of the night with gas I think), my son (3.5) is playing the wii for the first time, my wife is at breakfast with some friends and I just made a cup of vanilla chai. I found a great recipe for a vanilla chai dry mix that I've made for Christmas. Here is that link: http://www.momadvice.com/blog/2009/11/gifts-you-can-make-delicious-hot-drink.html I tried the Mulling spice mix too.Very good.

Gotta run. Just that quick, D woke up and S got bored and bumped his head.
TTFN